You don't have to attend every conversation your invited to

It's never easy to be on the receiving end of an attack. Most of us have avoided physical assault, but I dare say not one among us has escaped the wrath of a sworded tongue. We've all been approached, on more than one occasion in life, when another begins speaking, and very soon it becomes blatantly clear they don't want resolution, they want to conquer. They want you to admit you have done them a great injustice and politely accept the verbal beating they have prepared.

It's in our nature to immediately throw up defenses; it's not just in our nature, IT IS IN OUR DNA. God, the Creator, places within us all a "flight or fight" response when danger is near. Defending ourselves doesn't mean we admit guilt, it suggests "I like me too much to sit here and take it." God placed within our brain the amygdala. It is the part of us that shouts "RED ALERT, DANGER." It is here we need to "TRAIN" ourselves to respond differently in verbal confrontation.

1) See the Spiritual side of it

Ephesian 6:12 "our battle isn't against flesh and blood, but against unseen, dark, evil forces." It is here you can see what is really going on hence allowing you to stay rational and detached.

2) The Art of Conversation

Because of the very nature of the conversation, you must understand the other person has not yet learned the art of expressing their emotions in a healthy way. Behavior such as this gives you another advantage. You have the frame of mind to ACTUALLY (and this may be a hard one to swallow), make the attempt to see things from their point of view. "Humble yourself."

3) Be attentive to certain phrases and actions

A. “you're defensive.”

• They hear this in your tone because subconsciously they know they’re attacking you Prayerfully, they won’t accuse you of this because you were prepared to respond rationally, but if you do (we all have) Regroup, reset and respond with a level head.

B. They laugh at you.

• Satan is the mocker. Resist him. See the unseen, understand the spiritual battle and like Jesus to Peter in Matthew 16:23 “Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest, not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.”

C. False Accusation

• There is but ONE accuser

• It doesn’t matter that your attacker believes them to be true. They are under the influence of the wiles of the Father of Lies.

4) Don’t Feed Addiction

Without getting technical, know that there are chemicals in the body that are released during arguments. Even if YOU don't verbally defend yourself, your body will. They are designed to calm us, make us feel at peace and give us a sense of euphoria. ODDLY, the BODY of the person who is attacking has the same response because it understands the behavior is destructive to its person. Now here is where it gets strange. The person (the attacker) gets a high from these chemicals, and subconsciously they begin to equate "drama" to this rush of "feel good" chemical defense, which means when someone approaches you ready to argue they are unknowingly jonesing for a fix. Do not be their supplier. You may not be the one who helps them fix this unhealthy addiction, but...this is so cool...subconsciously they will stop looking to engage with you because you aren't even nicotine in their need for a heroine fix.

5) Understand the Boring Baroque Response (BBR) technique.

An example would be a confrontation like the following.

Confronter: "WHY do you eat SO MUCH JUNK food??"

And here's what you say while you stare not at the attacker but off into space as if you were thinking deep thoughts.

"You know, I think it's because of something that happened to me when I was just a little kid. We were living in Detroit at the time, and... No, wait a minute! It couldn't have been Detroit, it must have been when we were living in Indianapolis, because that was the summer my Aunt Grace came to visit us and brought her dog. You know those funny little dogs with the big ears that stick out? Well, this dog...." [And so on, for as long as it takes.]

A response like this delivers the following message: "I notice that you're here to pick a fight. Do that if you like, but it's not going to be much fun for you, because I won't play that game." Listening to a BBR is excruciatingly boring. The most usual result is that by the time you've gotten to the part about your aunt's dog the attacker is already saying, "Oh, never MIND!" and leaving in a hurry -- while making a mental note that you're no fun as a victim and shouldn't be chosen for that role in future.

6) Use Computer Mode Hostile language in English almost always has two identifying characteristics:

A. lots and lots of personal vocabulary and personal comments.

B. lots of extra stress on words and parts of words.

Responding with more of the same is like throwing gasoline on fire; it gives your attacker everything needed to feed the argument and make it escalate. You avoid everything personal; you talk in platitudes and generalities and hypotheticals; and you keep your body language -- including the tune your words are set to -- neutral and controlled. Computer Mode defuses verbal attacks because it doesn't give the attacker what he or she wants and it doesn't give the attacker any fuel with which to keep the altercation going. There is no safer stance.

RIGHTEOUS conversation NEVER assaults or accuses. There is never a need for our bodies to send out its defenses or for our tone to become defensive in righteous conversation. We also MUST know that when someone confronts us in a manner unbecoming of a Christian, we can always defuse it by using the counsel from the Word.

"This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:19

My education is giving me great insight into the human condition. I am seeing and understanding behavior past the external. I am also able to guide people to a healthy, spiritual application to better their lives should they desire such direction. That is rewarding, but what I love the MOST about the gift God has given me...I am ever able to apply what I learn from others to my own life. I am compelled to look inwardly and address where I need work. We have to remember knowledge alone is worthless. The devil knows the bible better than any of us, and he's STILL the devil. May I always have eyes that see "my" need for guidance, may my heart always be humble to accept it in any form God offers it, may I ever discern Gods will from my own, and finally, may I be steadfast and resolve that its NEVER about me and always about Him.