Managing Your Emotions

Coming back home has been an emotional rollercoster for me. I dreaded even leaving Florida and heading back this way as there was a part of me that wanted to avoid the pain that comes with knowing that my grandmother and sister are no longer here. In order to save my grandmother’s century old house, the decision was made to insulate the house which required ripping the walls out and placing insulation in them as this had never been done. Doing this was practical as it will both lower the power bill and extend the life of this home, but I was angry when I first saw it as the memory of how that house physically was before my grandmother died was no more. When I walked in the house and saw this, I cried like a baby. I am being vulnerable and sharing this with you becasue this has brought me back to the lesson that either we manage our emotions or our emotions manage us.

See I wanted to avoid the pain that these losses have created. Upon reflecting on my emotions about coming home, being here, and seeing the house, I realized that I was not attaching the appropriate meaning to these events. Each one of us have the ability to manage our emotions instead of allowing them to manage us. I am grateful the house is still here and that the family can still meet at our home for holidays, and that even though my grandmother and sister are no longer here, their memories are landscapes within my mind. I can close my eyes and vividly see the house the way it used to be and see my grandmother at the stove and my sister planting flowers. When I chose to manage my emotions, then I actually felt closer to them and like they were with me.

Grief sucks and there is no other way to look at it. I was told by a counselor one time that grief was the price we paid for love. And love was exactly what I got from both my grandmother and sister. I am taking it day by day and I am not saying it is easy, but I am in control of the meanings I attach to events and I am so grateful I had these two beautiful women in my life and now I have memories. I am so lucky that they each live for God so that we all can be reunited in Heaven. Changing all the meanings starts with awareness and I am praying that this trips allows me time to heal myself from all the negative meanings I have attached to farm. This farm and our homesteads are beautiful and should be enjoyed for generations to come, but to do that myself and those here have to attach the appropriate meanings and manage our emotions surrounding this place.I am committed to working through this over the next week and even when I return for more visits.